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# 1 Martian SEO Expert

will this seo martian pron get me locked up Oiwan

I am not at the top of the rankings as a Martian Search Engine Optimization (SEO) expert in the universe, but I might be after this post! The algorithms that govern what is and is not registered by search engines like Google and Yahoo! are shape-shifters: They catalog combinations from blogs and websites that can mystify, amuse and swindle you. For example, I am #1 in Google for Adult Pampers Makers even though I can’t remember mentioning diapers on this blog. I am too old to remember using them and too young to worry about them just yet. I believe, like Robin Williams, that diapers are like politicians and should be changed frequently because they are both full…

But, I digress…

I know about this listing because someone searched for the term, and my analytics program identified from whence they came. There are other authentic one-hit wonders for which I rank highly, though I am clueless about why people searched for them or why I showed up tops. They ALL beg for an aside, but I am resisting, thinking that you can use your imagination: Pocket Fisherman Diagram, Moscow Prostitute, Pig League Facials, Plentiful Breast Pictures, Professor Asshat, China Olympic Athlete Blog, There is the sex that americans admit to, Hairy Chinese Women, Wedding dress Market Report in China, I had my hepatitis shot, but the test says I have no immunity, Naked nurse teaching in China, Anais Nin commerative coin, American Prostitute Self, Naked nurse teaching in starbucks china, quota of America to China, You Tube Hong Kong Free Sex Video, How culture affects the way we use utensils, and Cartoon Photos of a man being massaged among hundreds of others…

Some SEO “Experts” list some of the keywords they claim to have earned in Google’s top ten rankings. They claim that these listings attest to their prowess, and they use these words to convince you that they can move your blog, site or company into a position where you will get more hits and gain international fame and fortune. Most of the words are like the ones above: once in a Martian moon sighting you will get a hit. Some seem remarkably credible like “UK SEO Expert.” He sounds, or can make himself sound, like the marketing go-to guy in England–that is, until you do some research on Submit Express and discover that on any given day there are ZERO searches for that term.

Far too many Chinese SEO firms prey on clients using this strategy. And most businesses, woefully unaware of SEO methods, are bilked out of thousands of dollars every year. The cost for a “hot word,” one with search results in the millions (think “Buddha,” “free buffet,” or “online video game”), is staggering: the top ten in Google is 20,000 RMB a year ($2,500 USD). A “cold word” with low search returns (think “delicious rat recipes” or “Japan learned everything it knows from the Tang dynasty”) will pull 10,000 RMB ($1,250 USD) from your wallet.

So “UK SEO expert,” at 2 million returns, would cost you 20,000 RMB and bring you absolutely no traffic. I’m always suspect of the word expert anyway: in bomb school, an expert was laughingly referred to as a “former drip under pressure”–never a good thing in explosives. It was a surefire way to tell someone was not what they purported to be.

I have many great search results I’m proud of, but were someone to actually come to them, I would worry about their mental health or my ego. I am number one for “American professor” in Google, hands down, and I frequently use this in lieu of a business card when I forget one. I am also in the Google China top ten for “American blog” (out of half a billion returns) and number 1 for “handsomest American in China” (move your Canuck ass over, Da Shan!) and ridiculously #1 for America’s Best Blog. In all humility, I found I rank quite high for “China blog about nothing” and “Lonnie isn’t exactly the sharpest guy in the world,” which isn’t exactly what you’d want when you are trying to build up your China business consultant site that’s already number 1 for “china business consultant blog” in Google, Google China and Yahoo.

If you are really interested in a legitimate search engine marketing provider, drop me a note at [* *]–spambots, eat your heart out (thanks R)! I’ll turn you on to the likes of Fili, Ryan, CWM, or someone else who will be able to get their hands out of your Paypal pockets at some point. And if you’re considering marketing to Martians anytime soon, you know where to look…

FYI: I am doing SEO work or global marketing lectures free for nonprofit groups or companies who agree to donate my normal fee to the China Dreamblogue project.

By the way, with this many links in a post, doesn’t it look like Dan Harris wrote it?

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6 responses so far

6 Responses to “# 1 Martian SEO Expert”

  1. The Humanaughton Jul 25th 2007 at 11:49 pm

    I continually get people searching for some of the most perverse stuff available (and some of it likely not, as they ended up at my site), all due to the fact that I wrote a post using George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words in the title. I am #5 in the search rankings for the phrase, and as such 22% of my total page views are for that entry, next only to the 23% that is my main blog’s landing page. Crazy.

    I, like you, have a great deal of useless keyword superiority. They bringing a bunch of completely useless traffic to my site (and eating up bandwidth), and have a massive (80-90%) bounce rate. I guess when you’re searching for “Chinese [insert expletive]”, you’re likely not looking to read my little noodle blog.

    Cheers for that Keyword Suggestion tool, I’ve been looking for exactly that in my sea of bookmarks for a while now. And glad to see Censortive is working 😉 I’ll be announcing the official release today.

  2. China Law Blogon Jul 25th 2007 at 11:54 pm


    If Dan Harris had written it, he would have somehow managed to quote from a Kung Fu episode or Bob Dylan. He no doubt also would have managed to bring up some crappy old TV show that nobody watched, or made some inane comment about how everything he knows about China he learned from watching Deadwood or from Who Shot Liberty Valence. He would not have included a picture, as he just is not that technologically savvy. He certainly would have done some sort of humerous or profound linkover on the word Buddha as well.

    Lastly, and most importantly, he would have put the words “sex” and “Moscow prostitute” and “American prostitute” in the title, knowing as he does, that is the only way to bring in readers to a post on something as boring as the law.

  3. Alexon Jul 26th 2007 at 3:13 am

    I liked this post. You highlighted the marketing-heavy aspect of SEO and preaching to an audience that doesn’t necessarily have an understanding. Bullshit baffles brains.

    My own SEO tip would be simple:

    1. Use a CMS that can (or add-on modules can) do basic stuff like use tags, auto-generate good meta content, use clean URLs, etc etc. There are a lot of SEO tools available for all popular CMS products, written by ‘experts’ who open source their talents rather than dress it up as some kind of magic.

    2. Write good content. Good content usually gets ranked higher than bad content. It gets forwarded, referred, archived, bookmarked, linked and recommended, and people keep coming back for more.

    And like any kind of contract, results should be assured. I don’t employ a plumber to fix my sink and hope that he could perhaps do it – if an ‘SEO expert’ cannot guarantee some quantifiable improvement the client should not guarantee them a fee.

  4. adminon Jul 26th 2007 at 8:23 am

    Looking at the stats for the best blog competition–you guys are anything but boring….

    I too would have put Russians and American working girls in the title, but then I might have actually gotten some business and then I’d have to hire you guys to defend me for pimping or money laundering and then worry about getting tagged as American prostitute in China…Damn, just looked and I am already #1: American Prostitute in China
    So, what would Buddha do if……

  5. daveon Jul 27th 2007 at 7:03 pm

    For what it’s worth, you’re #4 with google for this search:

    I guess it could be worse:

    nothing like a little google sponsored entertainment.

  6. The Little Professoron Jul 28th 2007 at 4:02 am

    Only #4???

    I guessed the last one before I clicked on it….Hilarious…I I do one on Chinese figures will you visit me in prison?

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